Evan opens up about being misgendered by people close to him, revealing how painful it is and making a plea for these interactions to improve.
Original music by Evan James White.
(“In the Ether” keyboard musical intro)
Evan: Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Just Another Guy (Who Happens to Be Trans). I'm your host, Evan James White.
So I've been on testosterone, or T, as I say for short (chuckles) – I've been on T for a year and about eight months, and for the most part when I'm out and about people see me as a man. You know? It is super, super rare that I'll get misgendered. For those of you who don't know what being misgendered is, it's when somebody refers to you in a gender that is not the one you identify as. So, for example, me being a trans man, I identify as a man. I see myself that way. I want to be referred to as such. So people use he/him pronouns for me. So, for example, when they're talking about me in the third person, even if I'm present, they'll say, like, for example, “Oh,” you know, “Evan went to go get his shirt,” “Oh, Evan, he's over there,” or, “Oh, Evan, you can give it to him,” things like that. So that's using the correct pronouns for me. Incorrect pronouns for me would be anything with “she” or “her” or “hers,” like, that's incorrect (chuckles). That would be misgendering me.
Also another example of misgendering me would be to refer to me as a lady or a woman or a girl, anything that is feminine or associated with femininity. Like, for example, the word “beautiful.” (chuckles) If somebody were to call me beautiful, now there are different contexts in where that is OK, “Oh,” you know, “Evan, your music was beautiful,” or “Wow, you have a beautiful soul.” That is very different to me than saying, “Oh, you look beautiful.” You know, I don't want to be told that I look beautiful. I would like to be told I look handsome. So those are different examples of how somebody could misgender me and for the most part, again, that rarely happens to me in public anymore. Like, it is so nice. Like, I'm out and about and people are like, “Hey, what's up, bro?” “What's up, man?” “What's up, boss, brother, my guy?” You know, all that. Like, I love being referred to in that way.
But when it comes to some of the people who are close to me, some of them still slip up and misgender me in conversations with other people in memories that they are retelling to me. You know, an example of this happening is again, using the wrong pronouns. Like, I'll have family members who will slip up and they'll have, be having conversations with each other or someone else and they'll refer to me and they'll say, “Oh,” you know, “She did this,” or “This was hers,” you know, “I said to her,” something like that. And I'll be right there. I'm like, “All right.” (Laughs) And usually they'll correct themselves or I'll do it and they'll apologize, like, they are very good about understanding that, OK, they slipped up, and they will course-correct.
But there was one situation that happened recently that really just caught me off guard. And I was sitting in the car with somebody close to me and I opened up the door and it hit something, and this person was like, “Girl!” And they right away realized they were like, “Oh, my bad,” you know, “I'm sorry, I am so used to your auntie doing that and that's why that slipped out. I mistook you for her.”
I'm not usually one to call BS on somebody else's explanation of something because that is their experience. That is them telling their side of what's going on. But with this specific instance, it was really interesting to me because it's happened with other people in other instances as well where they've said that to me, they’ve said, “Girl!” And then this person and other people have said, “Oh, you know, it's just a saying,” or “I'm just so used to talking like that,” and ”I say that to everyone,” or you know, “I say that to you because you're like this person.” And it's funny to me because those same people, I know that if I were their partners who are men or if I were their best friends who were men or even my little nephew, I would not be referred to as a girl. Like, they would not be referred to as “girl” in that moment. 'Cause I've even had, been around, you know, this person and my little nephew, and my little nephew did something where he messed up and it was, “Boy!” (Laughs) You know, he was called “boy.” So I do, I call BS because I know that these people don't see me as a man, and being called “girl,” to me makes it very evident.
I was also recently dead named by some people in my life. And for those of you who don't know what dead naming is or to be dead named, it's where somebody uses the name that you used prior to your transition. And that's not to say that everybody who transitions changes their name or uses a different name. Not everybody does. But for those who do, for me what that does is remind me of a person that I didn't really want to be, that I didn't need to be. Like, I transitioned for a reason. I want to be referred to as the man that I am and nothing else ever. Ever. Ever.
And this doesn't happen all the time. For the most part, people around me that are close to me do get it right. But there are times, and it, it is frequent enough (chuckles) that I feel the need to put it in a podcast, that it does happen. And again, they do apologize, they do take the time to correct themselves. Sometimes there's an excuse that comes with it like, “Well, you know, I did this for X amount of years, so it's difficult,” or “You know, it's gonna take some time.” And I completely understand that, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. It doesn't make it any easier for me to go through because especially when it happens around people who maybe aren't aware of my transition, it's very awkward and I feel the need to explain my transition in a way that maybe I don't want to in that moment.
When it happens, sometimes it feels like taking steps forward just to be pushed back. When it happens, it's hard for me to feel safe and secure around the people close to me. I get a lot of anxiety because I don't know when it's going to happen again. So, I'm on edge around the people close to me and those are the people that I want to feel the most relaxed around. I also understand that the people around me are also transitioning, and I understand that they remember me from before my transition, and they have that as a reference point, they have cherished memories that they are holding onto. And I do get all of that. I understand. And my understanding doesn't mean that I will allow myself to be misgendered or dead named. My understanding does mean that I will not go off on them (laughs). So, I do say this with grace and love. I need some of y'all to do better. And not just better, but your best. Because when it does happen, when y'all do misgender me, when you do dead name me, I feel like you don't see me as the man that I am. I feel like you see an idea of me that is long gone and you're still clinging to it, hoping to revive it in some way.
But I don't want that person back. There was a lot of pain in that version of me. I want to celebrate me as the man that I am now. I want to be around people who also want to celebrate me and the man that I am now. I want to be around people who are truly happy for my transition. When I get misgendered or dead named, it makes me not want to be around the people who are doing it. It makes me want to retreat and isolate. It reminds me of the scared little boy who didn't want to come out because he was afraid no one would love him. And sometimes it feels like that is confirmed. Sometimes it feels like not everyone close to me is truly happy for me or wants to celebrate me. It feels like they’d rather me be who I used to be in their eyes, who they felt comfortable with, who I actually wasn't but felt I needed to pretend to be.
But there are others close to me who do celebrate me. My siblings, in particular. One of them has really been the main driver behind the scenes talking to my family members and letting them know my name and pronouns, and I appreciate this sibling so much. My other sibling supported my decision to get on testosterone and was the only person at the time who did. It was one of the best decisions of my life. My brother – him and I relate to each other as brothers now, in every interaction we say, “Bro.” I feel completely embraced by my siblings and I think if they, who lived with me for (chuckles) years as their older sister, if they can see me as the man that I am now, I know it's possible for others close to me to see me that way too. I just wonder, do they want to?
This has been Just Another Guy (Who Happens to Be Trans). I'm your host, Evan James White. Peace.
(“In the Ether” keyboard musical outro)