Reflecting on and reimagining childhood pictures, Evan wonders how life might have been had he been assigned male at birth (AMAB).
Original music by Evan James White
(“In the Ether” keyboard musical intro)
Evan: Welcome to Just Another Guy (Who Happens to Be Trans). I'm your host, Evan James White.
So I had downloaded an app, Face Lab. And what you can do in this app, among many other features, is take photos of who you are now and upload them, and the app will generate photos of what you could have looked like when you were a kid and also what you might look like as an older adult. So I decided to use this for the purposes of seeing what I might have looked like had I been assigned male at birth.
So I decided to do this because in my home, the place where I'm living right now, there are a lot of photos of me from back in the day when I used to present as a girl or a woman the way that society wanted me to, the way that I felt my family wanted me to. And frankly, I'm tired of seeing these photos up. I don't want to be reminded of the pain that I was in at that time because I didn't feel that I could present in the way that made sense to me – present as the boy, as the man that I was. So what I've decided to do is replace those photos with the photos that I got from Facelab. That way pictures of me can still be up, it's just pictures that more accurately reflect who I knew myself to be back then.
But also all this has me wondering about how my reality might have been had I been born assigned male. Even if I had been born assigned male, it doesn't guarantee that my life would have been great. The reality is I was a preemie, or premature. I don't know if it's still this way, but back in the day, preemies assigned female had a better chance of making it than preemies assigned male. So truthfully, I may not even have made it had I been assigned male.
Let's say I made it as a preemie. My dad wasn't my biological father, however he was in my life and has been in my life since I was born. He never wanted sons. He didn't want boys. So he met my mom and my mom had me. I wonder had I been born assigned male, would he have stayed in my life or would I still have had a single mother? How difficult might that have been for her to raise me as a boy? Would she have been successful? What would my life have turned out to be? Had she not met my father, would my sister have been born? My sister is one of my best friends. Would I even have had her?
Also, had I been born assigned male, would I have even wanted to meet my biological father or would I have had too much pride for that? Would I have had too much of a male ego that would have been encouraged because I was assigned male at birth? Had I not met my biological father, I wouldn't have met my younger siblings, my other brother and other sister. And as I've said before in this podcast, all of my siblings have encouraged me, loved me, been there for me. They are a huge part of my life.
So many friends that I have, would I have met them? Would we have become friends? My moms in Indiana, my mom in New Jersey, would I have met them? I met them because of my past relationship, identifying as a lesbian.
I want to remember all of this the next time I compare myself to cisgendered men, or men who were assigned male at birth, or the next time I wish that I had been assigned male at birth. I can feel all of the feelings that come with wanting to be seen as normal and not feeling seen as normal. But I can also remember that even “ normal men” or (chuckle) cisgendered men, even some of them need to be on testosterone. Even some of them don't produce enough testosterone for them to be considered in normal male range.
The point is, I don't know how life would have been, but I do know what it is now. I am a trans man learning to celebrate who I am. That's why I'm replacing the pictures. I smile when I look at them. I see me, Evan, as a child. I have an exterior reference point for the internal world I kept hidden. I'm no longer hiding him. I'm allowing others to meet him. I'm freeing him now, setting my inner child free.
Thank you for listening. This has been Just Another Guy (Who Happens to Be Trans). I'm your host Evan James White. Peace.
(“In the Ether” keyboard musical outro)