As the new year approaches, Evan considers what he might like to change next year. In doing so, he gains valuable insight into what he's actually grateful for.
Original music by Evan James White
(“In the Ether” keyboard musical intro)
Evan: Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Just Another Guy (Who Happens to Be Trans). I'm your host, Evan James White.
The new year is coming up (chuckles). It's next week. And as we approach the new year, I'm thinking about this balance that I can strike with what I'd like to change and at the same time being grateful for what it is that I have. I don't usually do the resolution thing because I've found that I'll stay on it for a little while and then eventually give it up or revert back to what I was doing before, and then I'll end up feeling really bad about myself. So, I said, well, let me not do a resolution then. Let me just treat it like any other day but with kind of this inventory of the past year. So, what are some things that I want to change and then what are some things that I'm actually grateful for that I have?
In the last episode I mentioned some things that other guys my age have and I compared myself to other men in a way that made me sound a little bit like a loser, honestly (chuckles). And that's often how I'll see myself when I compare myself to other men. For example, I talked about how other men my age have families. They have partners, they have kids, they have houses, they have things that say, “Hey, I'm 37 and I have lived this life that's brought me to this place to have these things, and I'm settled and I have a, a great job and I'm able to take care of my family and provide and I'm going into my 40s feeling good about it all.” And of course, I know that's not the case for every man at 37, it probably isn't actually the case for many men at 37. This is just the idea that I have based on media, you know, social media and all that.
A lot of times when I compare myself to other men, I feel lacking. I feel like I'm not enough. I feel like there should be things that are different about my life. But then there are things that I have that come from my actual life and actual experience that aren't reflected by other men my age. And sure, there are things I'd like to change. And also, the same things that I have that I just shit all over, some people would give anything to have those very things. Like, yeah, I do Instacart and Uber Eats. Yeah, I live at home with my dad. And that's not even the whole story.
My sister was over here and she had listened to the last podcast, episode 2, and she was like, “Evan, I can't believe that's how you see yourself.” She was like, “Evan, did you forget that you moved out here to help your family out, you know, to help take care of your dad who got sick last year? To help me with the kids when we come out to visit.” You know, last year, my dad, he got diagnosed with diabetes and he didn't even know that he had it. He had a seizure one day, and my sister and her kids happened to be out here visiting that weekend. And the doctor was like, “Yeah, if your daughter hadn't been there, you probably would be dead.” After that, my sister called me and she was like, “Yeah, you know, these seizures have been happening to him, and he hasn't said anything to anybody, so nobody knew about it. And he really needs someone there to watch him.” And we both agreed that that would be me. I'm out here to help my family, so I am a family man. It's just not the way that I guess I expected to be at this age. I could learn how to be grateful for that.
How many people would actually love to live at home with their parents and not have that extra expense of rent? How many people would like to have the freedom that Uber Eats and Instacart give me in terms of my work schedule, you know? I can take off or start my day whenever I want to and, yeah, I have a very consistent schedule for myself because I do want to make money, and I do want to be responsible. But if I need to go to LA and watch my sister's kids, I can do that. If I need to hang out with my dad and take a walk early in the morning, I can do that. Like, I have freedom that a lot of people don't have. I don't have a partner right now, and let me tell you, during Christmas time, that was actually really nice because I didn't have to spend a lot of money on gifts (laughs) – money that I don't really have (chuckles). So, there's a blessing there too. But I can live my life for myself. I don't have to make decisions with somebody else when it comes to my life. I have access to health care, specifically gender affirming health care. I can be on testosterone. Not everybody has access to health care in this way. I have a family, a father who is supportive of me and allows me to stay in his home while I'm transitioning. Not everybody has that.
I also think about the fact that I have this podcast where I can speak to and maybe even on behalf of other trans men. I have no idea the amount of people that I am helping to not feel so alone. I know that by putting myself out there, I feel less alone. So not only can I look at the fact that I have a lot of blessings, like, there are a lot of things to be thankful for, but I can also look at it as I am a blessing. I am blessing other people in my life by the very things that I do. That doesn't mean that I'm always going to be happy. That doesn't mean that I'm always going to love everything that I have and not want anything to change. (Chuckles) I'm going to be upset. I'm going to be sad. There are going to be things that I will want that I don't have and maybe will never have. And I can feel everything that comes with those realizations. And that's OK. The feelings in themselves are what I am meant to experience. That is why I'm here on this earth, to experience life in all the ways that I can. And sometimes that includes feelings that I don't want to feel. So yeah, I'll feel them, but I don't have to dwell in them. I can feel them, I can acknowledge them, I can learn from them, I can grow because of them and then I can release them until they feel like coming back again. And then the process will continue.
I also think that this new year I'd like to not compare myself to other men but learn how to fashion my own ideas of manhood based on my actual life experience and what feels right. Even though I said I wasn't gonna have a resolution (laughs) for the year, I think that maybe that is it – to just continue living my human experience in the way that I am living it, focusing on what it is that I do have and what I do bring to the table and changing what I can, when I can. But for me, not for anyone else.
Thank you for listening. Again, this has been Just Another Guy (Who Happens to Be Trans). I'm your host, Evan James White. Peace.
(“In the Ether” keyboard musical outro)